Understanding codependency is the first part of recognizing if you have co-dependent traits or if codependency is an issue in your relationship.

Codependency has been a buzz word for decades. It is a term used in the twelve step recovery programs to describe the co-addict, or person who takes care of the addict. But Codependency has become a term that stands strong on its own to suggest a set of dysfunctional behaviors in a person who likely didn’t get his or her needs adequately met in childhood. As a result the codependent learns that the needs of others are more important and he/she goes about care taking others at his/her own expense.

Codependency is not just about having a dependency on another person.  In fact, out of a primary relationship, codependents often do very well.  But within their primary relationships there is often chaos, pain and extreme dysfunction.  Part of the dysfunction has to do with the choices a Co-dependent makes when it comes to a partner.  They will often unconsciously choose a partner who is in need of fixing or healing; such as an alcoholic, drug addict, or narcissist. 

Once in the dysfunctional relationship, a codependent avoids his/her own needs, pain, fear and insecurity and focuses his/her attention on the one he/she perceives is in need of fixing or healing.  Instead of asking the question “why do I continue to choose partners who are addicted or mentally ill,” the codependent will ask the question “how can I fix this person so that I can have the relationship I want?”

Codependence usually is the result of coming from a dysfunctional family where one’s needs were not important, and a child falls into a caretaking role for a parent or siblings.  Understanding codependency is the first step to breaking free.

In this episode of Pandoras Box Radio, I do a deep dive into codependency, what it is, and what needs to happen to heal.