Although many would disagree with me I believe anything can be cured. I am a fan of Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” where she talks about how incurable means “to cure from within.” This means that when a doctor says something is incurable that means the doctors don’t have a medicine or treatment for it that is proven to work. However it doesn’t mean that the patient himself can’t find a cure from his own inner resources.
Every day people are proving the modern medicine wrong in their belief that something cannot be cured. People are curing themselves of cancer, heart disease and diabetes on a daily basis. People are being cured of mental diseases, personality disorders and just about everything there is a name for.
I have a friend who grew up with a severely abusive narcissistic father. The result was MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder. She claims to have had hundreds of different personalities living in her head. Now she is completely cured and a beacon of hope and support for others who have been through abuse.
If someone can be cured of MPD this severe, than one can certainly be cured of NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However the individual with NPD has to want to change. He has to have hit some point in his life where the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of change or in this case the fear of facing the truth.
I think the problem we have here is that most people seeking the change are the victims of narcissistic abuse, not the narcissist’s themselves. The victims entertain fantasies of approaching the narcissist and saying “honey, I think you might have a problem, or you may have narcissistic personality disorder, and I need you to get some help for this little problem or I’m going to leave.”
The fantasy is that the narcissist will say “yes, honey, you are absolutely right, I’ve always felt something was deeply wrong with me and I want to change. I will schedule an appointment with the therapist this week.”
HA! Not likely, although I’m sure some readers have heard a similar story in the narcissist’s attempt to gain control of the relationship.
The more likely reaction will be the wrath of narcissistic rage being unleashed upon you. You have just threatened his security, which is the illusion he lives in. You are likely to be the subject of attack on just why it is that YOU are the one with the problem and he will deliver his wrath in such a way you begin to believe it.
As victims we must look upon a narcissist as a child, in a sense. He doesn’t live in our reality nor can he hear our words. You must understand that he has carefully constructed his world to protect him. This means keep danger out! Any threat to his self-image is danger!
When I work with my clients, victims of narcissistic abuse, I encourage them to focus on themselves rather than the narcissist. This is where true change happens. You cannot hope to change him but you can change yourself. This means refusing to tolerate abuse on any level and taking control of your experiences.
Most victims of abuse will find themselves leaving, eventually, when they realize they cannot change the person they are with. By the time I hear from the victims they are worn down, lost, feeling used, depleted and in the deepest pain they have ever felt. They have nothing left to give.
Often times the victims are so needy, fragile and sensitive that they are themselves displaying some narcissistic behavior. I have had many people who claim to be victims of narcissistic abuse, write to me in extremely disrespectful and attacking tones putting down my work, my books, my philosophies etc. I had one woman tell me, after reading my book that she felt taken advantage of, cheated, like a sucker and informed me what price she felt my book should be sold for. Fortunately, for me, she was one cold letter in the middle of hundreds of warm letters from people who really valued my work.
So the question many have is “How do I know I am not the narcissist?” When I was in therapy I asked my Therapist the same question. She told me “if you have to ask the question than it is highly unlikely that you are a narcissist because narcissistic personalities don’t think the problem is with them.”
Victims of abuse often feel the problem is with them and this is re-enforced on a regular basis by the abuser.
Perhaps the reason we often feel that we are the one with the problem is because we seem to be suffering a whole lot more, we seem to be obsessed, weak, insecure, needy, fragile, sensitive and observing behavior in ourselves that we don’t like. Meanwhile the narcissist presents as strong, calm and confident. Next to the narcissists confident exterior, we might feel our light is pretty dim, in fact, in may cases we feel our light has been stuffed out altogether.
Not to say that victims of narcissistic abuse don’t have a problem. If you are a victim of consistant abuse then you do have a problem. The problem is you continue to allow yourself to be abused and the question would be why? This is where you need to get help for yourself. Find out why you are allowing it, why you are giving him your power and your energy.
The more you can take your focus off the narcissist and put it on yourself the better you will be. The more you focus on trying to cure the narcissist the more trouble you will find yourself in.
There are people who claim to have cured the narcissism in their relationships and I feel in some cases, it is entirely possible. Nearly anything is possible. But change begins from within and if you are a victim it is time to stop being a victim and start being a victor. Start finding ways to empower yourself, stop allowing the abuse, get help, get your power back!
If you are a narcissist looking for a cure! Good for you! You can set the example for those to come.
I have had several people who claim to be narcissists that find their way to my sites and my support groups in effort to understand themselves better. I don’t allow narcissists in the support forums for the safety of those who I am trying to help, however just being approached tells me that there are people out there with NPD looking for help.
As I said, anything can be cured from within, if you are willing to put the effort forth and accept responsibility for whatever you are struggling with.
This was invaluable thank you
Im a Narcissist and I need Help. My wife is the one being drained and I fear maybe I’m too late to save our marriage. She’s emotionally depleted, and I’ve finally been able to see the damage I’ve done to her.
Dear Kaleah, I have read all your notes and accounts with an open mind but with much compassion to try and understand why a person whom I have grown to love can be so changeable in mood and frankly very spiteful to the point of involving the police…because As she put it…I was getting to close. On one hand she adored me and on the other..wanted to control me and almost tortured me mentally without any emotion or empathy. I really believe she is a Narcissist now and I do need help but I still love her and on good days it’s wonderful… but the bad ones are like dying and I question my worth trying to help her to give us both a normal life. I believe her parents were primarily to blame…and a series of trying to getaway from them with relationships which failed before she was 21….including 2 abortions which she had no say …and on and on……She says she understands with our conversations that there is a personality problem and will go to her doctor with me soon… not sure what else I can do..For now.
Kind Regards
Jeff R (UK)
Excuse my bluntness, Jeff. You may love her but she does not love you or anyone else.And she will hurt you. Get away from her and get help for yourself.
I have a 15 yr old daughter and I am ready to give up. Any advice on what to do with a narcissistic teen that is abusive and disrespectful. If she doesn’t get her way she not only loses control but tries to PAY us back by not going to school or doing her homework. She has other issues too, depression. She sees all kinds of doctors but after 3 yrs. Not a lot of improvement. She is on probation for truancy. She was evaluated a few yrs. ago and there were other issues but the one that seems to cause the most problem was the narcissism even though I did not want to believe it. What can we do to get help before we lose her?
I have been a “victim” of narcissistic abuse. But I do not consider myself a victim. I have gone through the abuse without knowing about personality disorders, and I have always kept an unbiased outlook on her behaviour, always kept self control and kept up my efforts so as not to try and “cure”, or to accuse and judge, but to seek a response from me that would calm what I thought was simply a problem with her reactions, up to the stage where I believed some progress had been made. Unfortunately ,at the stage where I thought that, she once again went into one of her rages and assaulted me once more, and something in me made me decide, quite calmly, but nevertheless with some lack of self-assurance as to whether I was doing the right thing or not, to report the behaviour to the police. So I did, and one thing led to another and she is now in jail. After I took my stand, I began to seek help and to find out more, and realised that it was not just a matter of reactions from her, but a pattern of behaviour that clearly demonstrated her condition. But most of the literature and advice pointed towards breaking the relationship and leaving, having no more to do with her. I cannot do this. I love her and I want to put in whatever effort I need to. But I need some guidance, and having found out that there is a body of people out there who know that progress can be made and the condition is not incurable has been a considerable help to me. And I also feel that the fact that she is in jail is a positive rather than a negative. What I need is an opinion on what next step to take. I have always found that showing her love, comfort and emotional stability has helped, but I have also tried many other approaches such as abusing back (without violence ) i.e.tit for tat, has also seemed to stop her, although only momentarily. I need to develop a strategy. I will not leave her. I know deep down she loves me. I am not needy, and I could easily find a replacement partner. But she is a worthwhile person and, for better or for worse, I will take care of her
Marco.
The best thing you can do for her and yourself is to leave her and have no contact. And get into therapy, yourself.
My husbands co-workers came to me a few days ago and told me about my husbands secret life. I do believe he is a narcissist. He cheated on me with a co-worker, and his best friend and also co-worker told me right away. My husband denied it until I showed the proof of recorded phone calls. I ended up talking to the girl he cheated on me with and he told her that he and I were done. She had no idea we were still together. She showed me their messages from November, I took photos of it all. He lied about it and said none of it happened, I am reading it out of context. He made me out to be an evil monster to all his friends. Said I was anti-social and wouldn’t hang with them. None of this happened. Christmas time, I got him a nice brand new PS4, over 400 dollars. I didn’t get a card from him or a gift. Nothing. I asked for some new clothes, he told me no. He didn’t owe me anything. When I confronted him with everything, he played the victim. Told me it was all my fault. I was a bad wife and didn’t love him enough that he had a void he had to fill. He then said he was applying for a shift transfer so he doesn’t have to face his co-workers who ratted him out. He even went as far as saying my mother died in a car accident and he felt sorry for me and married me, My mother is very much so alive. I think this all stems from his mothers abandonment. He didn’t follow the path “she” wanted and when she disowned him…things got bad. The worst of it is, he told his co-workers he is disgusted by me and hates me and wants rid of me. However, after this all went down…he told me to sweep it under the rug and get over it, and act like nothing happened. he said he would change and things would be different. No, they’re not. He doesn’t want to be alone so hes clinging on to me now that everyone he “crushed on” knows he is mentally unstable and insane. Whenever something goes on and hes in the wrong, he hides from it and acts like he did nothing wrong and avoids it like the plaque. I really hope he can get mental help or he will end up alone alone forever.
Wow…i seem to be going through the same thing. My advice is exactly what I am doing now; research.
But I’m starting to see the obvious.
God is to good to be ignored!
PRAY.
When all else fails..;
Pray.
Wow…i seem to be going through the same thing. My advice is exactly what I am doing now; research.
But I’m starting to see the obvious.
God is to good to be ignored!
PRAY.
When all else fails..;
Pray.
Remember this blog starting with a fact…
“People are finding a way to cure themselves.”
Whether it’s self awareness, organic treatment, or an epiphany;
I choose to believe it was/is…
“Devine Intervention!!!”
Your story sounds so similar to my own. I found that my husband was having a cyber affair with an old high school girl friend. He sent her several expensive gifts. Once I started searching his activity, I was enraged.
He had several conversations going with several women all of whom where not married. When I confronted him I got the, Oh, it meant nothing. I was making too big of a thing out of it. Then he switched to I wasn’t affectionate enough, and then, it was because of the dog. The only difference is that my husband has put up such a great front that among his friends, I am the crazy, unforgiving B. I always new deep down that I wasn’t of any importance to him other than maintaining the status quo. At 55, I am so very hurt and am trying very hard to put my life back together again.
I;ve been studying narcissism for a long time. Think we all should stop it from being so prevalent. Real self worth is so important to have and fully understand. This sounds symplistic but I think it will help take narcissism away.
Please look at my email address. I just found out about you and our email names are close to identical.
Thanks
Carrie,
Narc’s hate themselves and they hate you, also. You can’t change him.
Love yourself and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
Sad news is, NPD can not be cured AFTER a certain point. If you want to cure a Narcissist, the most important life and death question is time. After a certain point in the Ns life, there is literally NOTHING can be done. You can convince a person to change (sometimes), but you can not give the person a past, and can not do anything to undo the things the person did and said and didn’t do and didn’t say in his past.
If you are a Narcissist and reading this, no… I start over. If you are a Narcissist you probably don’t even consider that you are a Narcissist, or if you do, it is too late. So, if you are a person who READS about Narcissism and DENY even the thought that you may be one, URGENTLY open your mind and be honest to yourself. Maybe it can save your life.