In working with people to cut those psychic energetic cords between themselves and the narcissist or energy vampire in their lives I have found that in some cases those cords just don’t want to be severed.
I’ve had clients call me and tell me “He just won’t let me go!” But what I have found is quite the opposite. Often it is the person who is being energetically drained by a narcissist or energy vampire who won’t let go. If the relationship is an important one, i.e. a family member or significant other, you may not really want to let go of the fantasy or illusion of what you had hoped that person could be for you.
A spouse or significant “other,” whom you’ve loved for what seems like ages may have turned out to be a full blown narcissist, incapable of treating you right, but you hold on to the hope or fantasy that s/he will come around and be what you need him/her to be. You may have been holding onto that fantasy for a long time and it very well may be a part of you. So whens s/he is long gone, hooked up with someone else, has taken you for everything s/he could get and left you for dead, you may still be waiting, on some level, for the narcissist to return and make amends.
“How could he do such a thing?” is a common question so many ask and never really get answers for. “Because he is a narcissist” can provide some comfort, but we are even inclined to ignore the evidence that he, or she, is personality disordered for the hope that the loved one will still “get it!”
Dreams die hard and we sometime hold on until every ounce of hope is drained away. The evidence of ones character disorder could be boldly in front of our face and we refuse to acknowledge it! The person being energetically drained by a toxic relationship may experience great resistance to going through a psychic chord cutting procedure because she, or he, is afraid to let go. There may even be a hesitation to cutting the cords when there is lack of closure or unfinished business. I’ve had several clients tell me “I don’t want to let him go! I’m not done!”
Very few people ever feel complete with a narcissistic relationship. The completion has to come from within and through much inner reflection. If you are depending on any action from the narcissist you could be waiting your entire lifetime and who wants to waste even one more ounce of energy on the one who has taken so much for so long?
So how do you stop giving energy to the narcissist? How do you stop spending your days and nights trying to make sense of it all? How do you get over the deep sense of betrayal? How do you come to terms with the grief? The first thing you must do is accept the reality of what has transpired!
It might be beneficial for you to sit down with a pad a paper and recount every betrayal, every horror, every abuse you can think of. Get it down on paper right in front of your eyes and then read it over and over until you get it! You have to get it! You have to come to terms with the abuse! This was not someone who loved you well, or treated you kindly! You found your way to the keyword “narcissist” for a reason. Whether or not he is actually a narcissist is really not important right now. The real question is why were you led to believe that he might be? Write the answer to that question down!
The next question to ask yourself is “haven’t I blamed myself enough?” When we come out of any emotional or physically abusive relationship we come out with a deep sense of shame and blame. We get excited when we find words like “narcissism” to explain the dynamics of the hell we have been living with. Finally it all begins to make sense! But if your pattern is to slip back into denial and self-doubt, you can easily remain stuck there!
You have to continue to tell yourself that the behavior of the narcissist was not your fault. This doesn’t mean you are faultless! You brought your own set of patterns and characteristics to the relationship. You need to take responsibility for those. But not for his/her stuff!
A narcissistic personality will project all his/her disowned crap onto you and you will likely take it on. Why? Because this is very possibly your pattern! This is what made you a perfect match for the narcissist. He needs someone who will own his crap, because he won’t! If you grew up being blamed for everything, being shamed, and feeling like you could never do anything right, then guess what? You are a great match for a narcissist. He will smell you out! He will find you! And…you will find him, because you need someone who will help you to continue the familiar patterns you have lived with your entire life.
The spiritual aspect comes when we realize the opportunity waiting for us here. Sometimes things have to get very, very painful in our lives before we will change them! What is more painful than the devaluation and discarding that comes with narcissistic abuse? I know for myself it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my life! And…I went through a lot in my life. I survived anorexia, bulimia, a physically abusive relationship, rape, childhood bullying, rejection and loss but never anything that took me to the core of my inner wounding quite like the narcissist did.
In order to move on, I had to see the gift in all this! I had to look at the possibility that the core shame and feelings of inadequacy that I had harbored somewhere deep in my unconscious had just been brought to the surface to be healed. And there was more! I had the opportunity to look at where I gave my power away, where I looked to others for approval, and where I failed to love and approve of myself. I also had to look at the narcissist in my life and tell myself “his behavior is completely unacceptable and under no circumstance will I allow that into my life again!”
If I had continued to look to him to love me and approve of me, I might have never taken my power back. Because being empowered is about learning to love and approve of ourselves. As long as we look to others for that approval we give them our power! We stay connected to them out of our own desire for their approval! “If only he would just call me and tell me that he still loves me and it wasn’t my fault!” “If only he would see that I’m really not all those things he told me I was!” “If only he could look at me again like he looks upon her now!”
Write down your list of “if only’s!” This is your clue of how you need to start treating yourself. If only you could recognize how beautiful you are, how intelligent, how talented, how lovable, how capable and worthy you are! If only you could look into the mirror and see the real you underneath all those layers of scar tissue. If only you could peel away those layers to reveal that fresh, new life waiting to emerge. If only you could love yourself with an ounce of the love you gave him!
Sometimes we have to take the journey into the dungeon of our own psyche where we will find that grimy, stinky, withered and frightened little child that has been kept there. Go down there with your lantern and take some food, some drink, put your arms around her and tell her you have come to take him/her home!
We are ready to disconnect those psychic cords when we have come to terms with the abuse and stop needing our needs to be met through that door that has already been closed.
Have you heard of the book “Who Moved my Cheese?” It is based on the story about how if you give a mouse a piece of cheese and put it in one place for a few days, he will continue to go back to that same place looking for his cheese.” You can move that cheese elsewhere and he won’t go searching it out. He will continue to go to that place where he once got some cheese and even starve to death believing his cheese will return to that place.
We can be like that mouse! We can continue to go to an empty well looking for water, long after the water has dried up. Maybe initially the narcissist gave you approval, attention and admiration and in the end you were crowned a worthless, no good, SOB. The well was only providing water as long as you were receiving attention, affection, admiration and approval but once that turned into it’s opposite, consider the well dry. There is no more good there for you.
It doesn’t mean there never was anything good in that relationship. Most people recall lots of good times, especially at the beginning. It doesn’t really serve us to say “none of it was real!” Because it was real to you! But it does serve you to see that the bad now outweighs the good and the well has long dried up. Why keep going back? Why sit at the foot of the well waiting for water? Why not leave the well, cut your ties and move on to find water elsewhere? Is it because you don’t believe the water will ever be quite as good, quite as pure, quite as tasty as this water?
I have a secret for you! True love comes not from one who crosses your path but from your connection with your own soul. The water you search for at the foot of the well is really within you! You are looking in the wrong place for your cheese! You are the one you have been waiting for!
Cultivate your inner beauty and you will never be without love because it will radiate from within you and people will be drawn to you. The narcissist doesn’t have what you need! You do! Just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, you had what you needed to get home all along.
So gather your strength, cut those cords to your past and allow yourself to be transported to new horizons!