I had a woman write me recently asking me about the possible past life connection between her ex narcissistic mate and herself. This is a question I have been confronted with more and more lately. Especially since I deal in the spiritual recovery from narcissistic abuse. So I felt it was time to really address this issue.
This issue will be covered in much more detail in my new book, but thought I would go ahead and talk about it now.
Yes Virginia, there is a possibility that you knew him in a past life! Why don’t I do past life regressions? Because I simply haven’t been that interested in working in this field. I much prefer doing soul retrieval and psychic cord cutting which is what affects us right now in this time and space.
When I went to hypnotherapy school I was taught all about past life regression and was also told that we, the therapist, don’t have to believe in past lives in order to facilitate a regression. That always kind of bothered me. I mean, wouldn’t one have to believe in order for something to work?
What I discovered was that it is the experience of the client that matters. If you, the client, believe you had a past life with someone whom you have a deep trauma bond with then this kind of work can be affective. What is important is your ability to imagine the possibility of a past life and how it might look.
I myself do believe that our soul has traveled through many lifetimes. We have no beginning and no end, so why would this be our first experience? And if we did indeed visit this place before then the likelihood that we travel in circles with others who have come before is pretty high.
There are many different explanations as to why someone who has been involved with a narcissist has a difficult time severing the bond. And many of these explanations can be very true. Because life is complex and there are many layers. One may have negatively bonded with a narcissist because of negative bonding in childhood. The attachment through trauma and anxiety may be very familiar and in a strange way, comfortable. When we don’t have that heightened state of anxiety we may feel something is missing. We may even have associated the intensity we feel during this heightened state of anxiety with love. This is an excellent psychological explanation as to why we remain attached to our abusers.
But what about the past life connection? What if we are soulmates and have been traveling with this soul for ages? Would that not explain why we just can’t let go? Wouldn’t that explain the deep love we feel for this person even though he or she treats us like dirt?
My belief is that we draw to us the people who can best facilitate the lessons we have come here to live this time around. Life if for the living and the life we need to be concerned with is the one we are living right now! So if you drew this narcissist into your life this time around it is because you have something to learn from him/her.
I’m not sure I believe that we are destined to be together! That just doesn’t make sense to me. After all if we all are born at different times and die at different times then the person you believe you are destined to love over and over again would not always be in your age group, right? He/she might be old enough to be your parent or child, or even grandparent or grandchild.
Our soul journey is about our own souls growth. Other people participate with us to help us learn our lessons and we do the same for them. We don’t have one true love who comes back with us time and time again to live the same life. Why would we? We have many lives and many loves because it is our nature to love. The fact that we feel a greater love or a greater attachment with the narcissist, who is obviously disordered, would show us that there is something dysfunctional or disordered about this attachment. This person has likely come into our lives to help us heal some childhood wound from this life, or to come face to face with our own narcissism or sense of worthlessness and inadequacy.
If there is some kind of karmic debt that must be paid then we should probably pay it and move on. It’s sort of like getting a fine, a bill or a traffic violation. We are best to just pay it and put it behind us. Holding onto that debt doesn’t serve us. If we injured the narcissist in a past life then we have already paid our dues, don’t you think? Haven’t you suffered enough?
If he was the one who hurt you in a past life then he is giving you the opportunity to say “I’m not going to do this again!” He is helping you to resolve a long running pattern of allowing yourself to be stepped on or abused. It’s obviously time to change that pattern.
I see absolutely no value in binding ourselves to a painful reality. Why would we do this? If the person we are in relationship with does not honor or respect us then we need to rethink the relationship. There are two things we can do right away. We can start honoring and respecting ourselves more so that we draw into our lives those who reflect our feelings we have for ourselves, and we can give clear messages that we will not tolerate disrespect. This is what is necessary to move up the ladder of consciousness to a place where we live with more self love and empowerment. The more we love ourselves the less we will attract those who don’t or can’t love us.
Romancing the past, whether it be six months ago or six centuries ago doesn’t serve us! Now is where our power is! If you need to know who you were with him/her in a past life then make up a story of what you would imagine your life to be like in a past life with the narcissist. There will likely be some strong threads of truth in your story and something may very well be resolved for you. If you were husband and wife in a past life and you lived happily ever after, then great! You had a good life with Mr./Mrs. Narcissist at one time. But this life he or she has different lessons to work out and so do you. As much as we want to believe in happily ever after it isn’t a reality of life. Life has lessons and challenges and it’s hard! We simply don’t marry the man or woman of our dreams and live happily ever after, because the true relationship is between me, myself and I. Our outer relationship only reflects our inner one. If you attracted a narcissist then something is going on within you that the narcissist is bringing to the surface for you to see. It isn’t pretty! Digging deep down inside of ourselves is painful! The only way out of your pain is through it!
Since our ultimate goal in life is self realization then we will by design attract those who an help us with this goal. If deep down inside we feel inadequate, worthless and unattractive we will bring someone into our life who reflects those feelings to us. We can blame the narcissist for how he makes us feel or we can use this as an opportunity to understand ourselves on a deeper level, make peace with those parts of ourselves we have cast into the shadows and step into a whole new level of self love. When we do this the narcissist loses power over us. Because he no longer holds the key to our worthiness. He is no longer the one we look to for validation. We look to ourselves!
So it is fine to acknowledge a past life with an abuser, but the true healing happens now! Bring your attention and energy to the present moment and step right into your pain. Stop running from it through addiction to food, love and narcissists. Delve right on in! Get help if you need it. The deeper into your pain you go, the less you will focus on the Narcissist. He is only an addiction for you now. He prevents you from being with your pain in a way that will allow you to heal it. N dipping is like having a drink when you are an alcoholic. It takes you back!
When you were born into this life you were given a clean slate. You may bring cell memories with you but you don’t have to allow them to affect your life now. You can forgive any and all life times, cut the cords, cancel the contracts and take back your life. This is where your true power lies!