One thing we have learned about narcissism is it is about living in the lie rather than in truth. The more our souls cry out for truth, the more we see through the illusion and realize where we are living in the lie.
It was when I left my second narcissistic relationship that I met a woman who taught me that I attracted abuse into my life to show me the impurities within myself. I wasn’t sure I understood what she meant by “impurities” at the time but I learned that the impurities are the part of ourselves that don’t serve the highest good of humanity. It is the arrogance, jealousy, greed, self loathing, feelings of inadequacy, superiority, judgment, and other qualities that we tend to despise in others but that are also hidden within ourselves. The people outside of us who trigger us or push our buttons are usually showing us something about ourselves we don’t want to look at.
If you look at a narcissist he is completely cut off from his subconscious to a point he is unaware that the qualities he is judging in you are actually within himself. He is projecting these qualities onto you and condemning you for these qualities. We find this kind of narcissism in religion, government and society at large where the shadow side of humanity is projected onto certain groups or people.
The question many have who have been involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist is “how did I attract this into my life?” The answer to that question is, there is something within you that is attracted to this because there is something that you need to learn. Often the narcissist will show us our own hidden narcissism which has been difficult for us to recognize in ourselves. It is something we don’t want to see, because it is not attractive. We are quick to own that which is attractive and beautiful, but we disown or cut off from that which we perceive as being unattractive and ugly.
A pathological narcissist is someone who has cut off from his unattractive qualities to an extreme. He is unable and unwilling to own them but quick to project them onto those who love him.
We often ask the question “how do I know I’m not the narcissist?” Because you feel your own narcissism. You feel the qualities of worthlessness, inadequacy, jealousy and neediness. You see your own obsessive and compulsive qualities. You have been put in touch with your own shadow, that which has been hidden within your psyche, your subconscious. When we come in touch with these hidden qualities within ourselves it is easy for us to initially feel that this is who we are. But we are not that! Those are simply our impurities, our shadow, our dark side. When brought into the light they cease to exist. So the key is to own those qualities within yourself and bring them into the light. Then they will no longer be a part of your reality and you will no longer attract the narcissistic people who reflect these qualities to you. If you do attract them into your reality you won’t invite them in to closely or for too long.
Some people ask me if they should leave their relationship or stay in it. I say this is a very personal choice. It is your life and you must make that decision for yourself. Kim Cooper from narcissismcured.com talks about the experience of changing herself as a result of her relationship to someone who she says was a narcissist. However this is not the path for everyone. I had to leave my relationships in order to find myself and the process of coming to the truth wasn’t over night. It took time. I needed to step out of the illusion in order to even begin that process. As long as I was feeling lost, confused, and in the depths of despair I wasn’t moving any energy in my life. It took my leaving these relationships to start the energy moving in a positive direction. Eventually I came to the truth within. I had a part in my narcissistic relationships. I had responsibility. But it wasn’t all me. However the parts that were mine were really where I needed to be focusing my attention in order to heal and move forward in my life.
When we obsess and focus on the narcissist in our lives we are avoiding looking at ourselves and our own role in creating the dysfunctional relationship. We tell ourselves that we didn’t sign up for it. We didn’t ask to be with someone who would mislead us and betray us. But the truth is we did! On some level, we may not fully understand we drew this relationship to us so that we could learn and grow. As long as we avoid looking for the lessons in this experience we will remain stagnant and in pain believing we are victims. When we can get to the truth of the matter we can shed our victim status and see the divinity in our situation. The truth is often very painful and difficult to face, but “The truth shall set you free!” If you are not feeling free in your life than it is time to dig deeper and find the truth in your situation. What are you hiding from within yourself? What is it that is keeping you stuck?
Sometimes it is difficult for us to see clearly on our own and we need help from an intuitive person who can guide us a bit deeper into ourselves. This is why I offer one-on-one counseling sessions to help you become aware of who you are on a deeper level. I help you to face the truth so that you can get unstuck and begin moving forward.
We are truly free when we stop hiding in the shadows and bring ourselves fully into the light!