Whose Fault Is It?
Taking Responsibility in Personal Relationships

When our personal relationships are in turmoil it seems our whole world is turned upside down. We are hurt, angry, confused, scared, insecure and even possibly feeling guilty, like this is all somehow our fault.

The spiritual laws of relationship tell us not to give 50% to our relationships. Give 100%! We so often hear people saying “I’m giving my 50% now he needs to give his 50%.” Or “he needs to meet me half way!”

I agree that we do need to give 100% to a relationship that we are nurturing. This doesn’t mean our partner should give nothing. It means both partners should give 100% of their best effort to a relationship. We shouldn’t expect relationships to just take care of themselves. We need to nurture them and take care of them.

However when a time comes where it seems we are giving 100% of our best effort and our partner doesn’t seem to be giving much of anything, we need to re-evaluate the relationship. In our re-evaluation we need to determine where our responsibility lies.

In intimate relationships, we are partners, not caretakers. We normally resent being cast into the role of Mommy, Daddy, Bread Winner, Sex Slave, or Emotional Dumping Ground. This is not why we entered into the relationship. It is important to evaluate our reasons for wanting a relationship.

In today’s day and age, our needs are different than 100 years ago. Roles have changed as a natural part of our evolution. The woman’s role used to be to take care of the home and the children while the man supported the family financially. This role seldom works anymore. Women are recognizing their need to step outside of the home, in some capacity and express themselves through right work or artistic creation. Although many women still choose to make raising their children their priority during the formative years, they still recognize the need to be a part of a community outside of the home.

In cases where both the male and female in a partnership work to support the household there should also be an equal distribution of effort to raise the children and keep the home. It is no longer the woman’s job to cook, clean, do laundry, do the shopping, and the day to day tasks of managing a household while the man may fix something that is broken here and there and maybe mow the lawn on the weekend. The woman, who also works hard to contribute to the family income, will easily burn out if her partner doesn’t see the need to equally contribute to the day to day task of managing the home.

Partnerships are somewhat like a business. There needs to be agreed upon roles in order for it to work. Otherwise one party gets resentful because he/she is doing more than a fair share. In relationships this often happens as the result of social role stereotyping. It is expected!

Another area where things have obviously changed but many have not recognized it yet, is the emotional aspect of a relationship. In the past, the male was expected to be somewhat cut off from his emotions as a sense of survival. Back in the dark ages is was the male who did the hunting and subjected himself to very real dangers where getting emotional could cost him his life and leave his family without support.

But times change and so do our roles. The masculine, patriarchal role is dominant and our world is suffering as a result. The feminine, nurturing, emotionally available qualities are not given the importance and respect they deserve. We are moving into an age where both men and women embody the masculine and the feminine qualities within, yet the feminine qualities continue to be suppressed in women as well as men, because this is what is expected. We have labeled many feminine qualities as weak, dirty, and unacceptable.

The feminine is an aspect of our nature and is very important to our survival as a species. To withhold our tears is like the sky withholding rain during a drought. Tears are what cleanse us on a deep level. To nurture requires a deep sense of compassion and caring. For a relationships in the new age to survive it must have these qualities. Both individuals must have developed a sense of compassion and caring within themselves that can be extended to the partner. There must be a deep sense of love and the ability to communicate that love. Without love, why are we here? What would be the true purpose of a relationship without love?

People enter personal relationships for many reasons. Some do for security, some do because they want someone to take care of them, some do to have children, or they stay because of the children. Many enter relationships for the initial sexual desire which is the romantic element that brings couples together. But romance doesn’t survive past the initial three month to two year honeymoon period, without a true foundation. A true foundation is built on ones ability to love and care for the other on a deep level. Without this ability the relationship is doomed to either fail, or be miserable; something one must endure.

When the relationship begins to go wrong, we want to point the finger and blame the other person for the pain we are feeling. Although the other person may be completely lacking in the ability to love or care on any real level, we all must take responsibility for our own pain. We are co-creators of this relationship. For whatever reason, we have chosen it! It doesn’t mean we can’t make another choice, but we must at least recognize our own responsibility for where we are.

Those who find themselves in relationships with narcissistic, abusive, emotionally unavailable partners were still initially attracted to their partners for a reason. They are often very charming, exciting, attentive, loving and adoring in the beginning, but what happened to them you might ask? The real question is what happened to you?

If we focus on our partners, no matter how horrible they are behaving, we are missing the point. Our real relationship is with ourselves and if we don’t have that one right, we won’t be getting any relationship right. We may likely be seeking outside of ourselves the love, the caring and the nurturing we haven’t been able to give to ourselves. We may be looking for someone else to care for us in a way we haven’t been able to care for ourselves. We may want someone else to show us we are loveable and worthy. But this never really works! We have to first find the value within ourselves and know ourselves worthy otherwise we assign our power to our partner.

It is true we can be feeling really bad about ourselves and someone comes along and shines a bright light on us and suddenly we feel like we matter. Suddenly we begin to feel good about ourselves again and feel that we are worthy. And some partners are strong enough within themselves that they can truly help to create a safe space for healing within the relationship. True love does have the power to heal. But most of us, out of our own insecurity never find that true love. Because we search outside of ourselves to find it!

If you are one of the lucky ones to bring someone into your life who is strong in himself and can really offer you that deep sense of love that you long for than you have to be strong enough to accept it. Many people, out of their own sense of unworthiness, will push their partners away because they don’t feel deserving of that love. In fact their partners loving presence will push every button they have. A woman might see a soft, caring, loving, emotionally available man as boring and be more attracted to the aloof, mysterious stranger. Yet ironically it is the mysterious, aloof, stranger who hides his secrets deeply. The emotionally available man has nothing to hide. He is an open book. There is no real sense of mystery. Thus is the phrase “nice guys finish last!”

So if your prince or princess charming has turned into a toad it is time to take a step back from the relationship and focus on the person who can do something about it! You!

You can’t fix your relationship! You can only fix yourself! As you work to change the way you feel about yourself and stop putting so much importance on your partner’s behavior you will see a change! Either the relationship will improve, or it will fall apart, but it will change!

We should never be afraid of losing our relationship. Fear doesn’t serve us on any level. Being afraid of losing a partner puts us in a place of insecurity and neediness which is not a comfortable place to be. It is also unattractive to our partners. Fear must always be replaced with faith. I used to say “This or something better!” I would put my fate in Gods hands and trust that I would be exactly where I needed to be in each moment. If I lost my relationship it would be a positive thing rather than a negative thing. Something better would come into my life. I had to trust in this.

So when we think or believe “it’s all your fault!” It’s time to think again! Your partner’s behavior isn’t your fault. But how you respond and interact with your partner is. If you invest your energy into trying to change him so you will feel better, you are wasting your energy. The only person you can change is you, so this is where your focus needs to be.

When we need for our partner to be different, than we are spending our energy hoping for a different outcome. If instead, we look at our partner’s behavior and say to ourselves “Oh, he is acting out of his own pain, dysfunction and insecurity” then you won’t take his behavior personally. You don’t have to accept abusive behavior towards you. You can let your partner know that you will not tolerate abusive behavior and as much as he attempts to convince you that his behavior is your fault or that you are the one being abusive, you must detach from his response and be true to your own interpretation of the facts.

Non-engagement is a really powerful tool. If you are in a heated argument that is going nowhere, it is best to disengage and remove yourself from the situation. If you feel you can’t speak rationally due to feeling emotionally overwhelmed, you have the right to excuse yourself and request to continue the conversation at another time. If your request is not honored, for any reason, you have to accept you are with someone who chooses not to honor you and attempting to manipulate and dominate you. This is not healthy interaction and should not be tolerated.

In my “recovery from narcissistic abuse” support group I try to get people to focus on their own feelings and issues rather than the narcissist or narcissism. It is quite challenging for most because there is a need for validation that the behavior of the narcissist was NOT O.K.! Most victims of this kind of abuse are pretty confused by the time the relationship ends and don’t know who was at fault. Often there was such a strong manipulation taking place that the victim has suppressed her own voice and her own ability to interpret the facts accurately. When she is out of the relationship she needs to talk about what happened in order to make sure she really isn’t going crazy. She knew it was white but he kept telling her it was black and she began to question her ability to interpret accurately. Especially since he suggested that she had a problem seeing things as they really are.

Narcissistic abuse is a crazy making situation; there is no doubt about it. However there comes a time where we have to learn to trust ourselves again and listen to the still small voice within. We have to take responsibility for ourselves, stop taking responsibility for our partner or ex-partner and put the focus on our own healing.

Once we bring our focus back to ourselves we can begin to find new sprouts coming up and those old dead branches must be cut away in order for the new life to come forth. Soon the old will completely fall away and be replaced by fresh new life. But we must have faith in the process.