The Path Back to Self Newsletter
Embracing All That You Are!
November 21st , 2008
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Kaleah's Radio Show:
Tuesday December 2nd, 7pm PST - Navigating The Dating Minefield with Mary Jo Fay.
 Defining herself as “The Voice of Dating, Mating, and Relating”-- Mary Jo Fay's expertise is based upon a rare combination of knowledge from many of her own life experiences, combined with insights gleaned through interviews with hundreds of real people who shared their real life relationship ups, downs, fears, and questions with her.
Although she works with a variety of relationships issues, she is perhaps best known for her specialty in helping those who have been involved in difficult relationships become survivors.
Mary Jo Fay is a speaker, columnist, screenwriter, award-winning author, and consultant specializing in relationships – including the oftentimes confusing one we have with ourselves.
The Demon Lover
The demon lover is the negative archetype of the "dark masculine" or feminine who takes us on the journey into our own unconscious to access the pain we ourselves have been hiding from. We unconsciously draw the demon lover to us out of our own spiritual need for transformation. We are seduced by the danger, the excitement, the intensity, all the while caught up in a Web of lies, deceipt and manipulation. It takes our energy; our life force and strips away everything we believed ourselves to be. The gift is that from the ashes of what we once were we give birth to who we were always meant to become.
This week I wrote you all a song. I went to my studio with the idea of working on some of my "spiritual" music and just couldn't get into the groove. Normally when I go to write I get this energy moving through me in the form of inspiration but it was pushing me a different direction. Once I started, I got pretty caught up in it. I went downstairs to get some tea or water and suddenly I saw some beer in the fridge. I'm not much of a drinker but it sounded really good so I grabbed one and headed back up to the studio. I was so excited by the inspiration pouring out of me and the song that I went down and got another beer. Now for me two beers is really quite over the top. But I was partying and having fun with this. Hopefully you all can appreciate this bit of creative inspiration.
I wrote this song on Sunday November 16th and recorded it at the same time. I sort of lost myself in the process, which is interesting. But I feel this song says it all. The inspiration for this was not so much my own journey but all of you whom I've worked with. Sometimes I feel a need to channel all that pain I help people deal with on a daily basis into something beautiful, expressive and indicative of what you are going through. So consider that I have embodied the voice of the one who dances with the demon lover.
Go here to listen to the song now and learn more about the Demon Lover...
There is no need to download it will play automatically.
The Narcissist Within
On the November 18th radio show I interviewed a woman named Maya who talked about the process of really getting to know oneself, not only the light but the darker side. We must be willing to see the hidden qualities in our subconscious mind and bring them into the light as part of the process of becoming real and living our lives in truth.
One thing we have learned about narcissism is it is about living in the lie rather than in truth. The more our souls cry out for truth, the more we see through the illusion and realize where we are living in the lie.
It was when I left my second narcissistic relationship that I met a woman who taught me that I attracted abuse into my life to show me the impurities within myself. I wasn’t sure I understood what she meant by “impurities” at the time. But it is really the same as what Maya talked about. The impurities are the part of ourselves that don’t serve the highest good of humanity. It is the arrogance, jealousy, greed, self loathing, feelings of inadequacy, superiority, judgment, and other qualities that we tend to despise in others but that are also hidden within ourselves. The people outside of us who trigger us or push our buttons are usually showing us something about ourselves we don’t want to look at.
If you look at a narcissist he is completely cut off from his subconscious to a point he is unaware that the qualities he is judging you for are within himself. He is projecting these qualities onto you and condemning you for these qualities. We find this kind of narcissism in religion, government and society at large where the shadow side of humanity is projected onto certain groups or people.
The question many have who have been involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist is “how did I attract this into my life?” The answer to that question is, there is something within you that is attracted to this because there is something that you need to learn. Often the narcissist will show us our own hidden narcissism which has been difficult for us to recognize in ourselves. It is something we don’t want to see, because it is not attractive. We are quick to own that which is attractive and beautiful, but we disown or cut off from that which is unattractive and ugly. A pathological narcissist is someone who has cut off from his unattractive qualities to an extreme. He is unable and unwilling to own them but quick to project them onto those who love him.
We often ask the question “how do I know I’m not the narcissist?” Because you feel your own narcissism. You feel the qualities of worthlessness, inadequacy, jealousy and neediness. You see your own obsessive and compulsive qualities. You have been put in touch with your own shadow, that which has been hidden within your psyche, your subconscious. When we come in touch with these hidden qualities within ourselves it is easy for us to initially feel that this is who we are. But we are not that! Those are simply our impurities, our shadow, our dark side. When brought into the light they cease to exist. So the key is to own those qualities within yourself and bring them into the light. Then they will no longer be a part of your reality and you will no longer attract the narcissistic people who reflect these qualities to you.
Some people ask me if they should leave their relationship or stay in it. I say this is a very personal choice. It is your life and you must make that decision for yourself. Kim Cooper from narcissismcured.com had the experience of changing herself and as a result her relationship to someone who was a narcissist. However this is not the path for everyone. I had to leave my relationships in order to find myself and the process of coming to the truth wasn’t over night. It took time. I needed to step out of the illusion in order to even begin that process. As long as I was feeling lost, confused, and in the depths of despair I wasn’t moving any energy in my life. It took my leaving these relationships to start the energy moving in a positive direction. Eventually I came to the truth within. I had a part in my narcissistic relationships. I had responsibility. But it wasn’t all me. However the parts that were mine were really where I needed to be focusing my attention in order to heal and move forward in my life.
When we obsess and focus on the narcissist in our lives we are avoiding looking at ourselves and our own role in creating the dysfunctional relationship. We tell ourselves that we didn’t sign up for it. We didn’t ask to be with someone who would mislead us and betray us. But the truth is we did! On some level, we may not fully understand we drew this relationship to us so that we could learn and grow. As long as we avoid looking for the lessons in this experience we will remain stagnant and in pain believing we are victims. When we can get to the truth of the matter we can shed our victim status and see the divinity in our situation. The truth is often very painful and difficult to face, but as Jesus said “The truth shall set you free!” If you are not feeling free in your life than it is time to dig deeper and find the truth in your situation. What are you hiding from within yourself? What is it that is keeping you stuck?
Sometimes it is difficult for us to see clearly on our own and we need help from an intuitive person who can guide us a bit deeper into ourselves. This is why I offer one-on-one sessions to help you become aware of who you are on a deeper level. I help you to face the truth so that you can get unstuck and begin moving forward. So if you feel you need additional assistance sign up for a session by emailing me at kaleah@narcissismfree.com.
We are truly free when we stop hiding in the shadows and bring ourselves fully into the light!
Kaleah
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