Is the Narcissist my Soulmate?

SoulmatesThere is a lot of information circulating about soulmates and much of it is conflicting, as in any subject. It is difficult to have a solid understanding that can serve us when we attempt to know what these heartfelt connections in our lives mean.

The fairy tale version is that there is that one special someone out there who is made just for you and when you find him/her your life will finally be complete. Your expectation is that when you meet your soulmate that life will go smoothly; you will be head over heels in love and support each other completely in your quest for a greater life. It is the type of love story movies are made about. It is why we love romantic comedies so much. It is why we love fairy tales.

There is another belief system that tells us we have many different soulmates and they aren’t all romantic or sexual in nature. A soulmate could be a best friend, a family member or a lover. And…there are many soulmates in one lifetime that we will cross paths with.

For the sake of this exploration I would like to stick to the topic of the romantic chemistry that leads us to believe we have found a soulmate. He or she is the ONE! When we connect with this person, we believe all our prayers have been answered, our dreams are coming true, we have finally met our match. No one we have been with has affected us like this person has. We have never felt so “in love,” so crazy about anyone in our lives.

The problem with meeting this kind of soulmate is that when we are crazy for someone, the emphasis is more strongly on the “crazy” part. Rather than feeling calm, centered, balanced, self assured, confident and on top of the world we often experience the opposite. We are off balance, confused, unsure of ourselves, and struggling with our feelings of self-worth. We can’t help but wonder why we feel so small in the light of greatness, or this person who at first appeared to be so great!

We hang in there with him or her in hope that we will grow beyond the difficulties and find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the promise of true love and marital bliss. But the longer we hang in there the more our self esteem erodes and the further into darkness we seem to spiral.
Is this love? Is this the soulmate connection?  Or is it a Cellmate?

Although some are lucky enough in life to meet someone whom they truly feel a positive love bond with and their relationships are harmonious and inspiring, others find that their soulmate relationships end up being the most troubling and challenging relationships they have ever experienced. They feel the greatest deal of pain and misery. The promise of a dream come true gives way to the worst nightmare. Mr. right becomes Mr. wrong. The Prince becomes a toad. Snow white becomes the wicked stepmother.

How do we get fooled into believing the one we have fallen head over heels for is our soulmate? And why do we have so much trouble letting go?

It is my belief that there really may be a soulmate connection there. We feel a deep soul bond with this person, even if the relationship has become nasty and we feel very mistreated, even abused. The reason for this is karmic resolution of a soul contract.

The soulmate theory is based on a belief in past lives, that we have been together before and we somehow recognize each other again in this life. It might feel as if we know the person and there is an immediate connection. The question is “how did we know that person before?” Was he or she someone we loved dearly, a beloved husband, wife, or lover? Or is it possible this person was someone you hurt in the past who hurt you this time around to balance the karmic scales? It is possible this person abused you in the past and you brought him into your life to abuse you again so you could learn to say “No” to abuse.  That person, whom you feel such a strong bond with may have even been your murderer.

It is possible the person you feel is a soulmate may have had a true loving bond with you from lifetimes ago, but this life has brought so much deep wounding that he or she doesn’t know how to open their heart and let love in? And as much as you try to love them and help them, you end up being the one who gets hurt because they can’t truly love you in return.

Could it be that you had a soul contract with someone whom you agreed to meet in this lifetime to learn some important life lessons? Your lesson may be learning to love yourself more in the face of someone who can’t seem to love you. Or it might be learning to honor and respect yourself in the light of someone who does not honor you. There could be an important aspect of your souls growth at stake here.

Finding a soulmate does not necessarily mean finding the love of your life, the one whom you are perfectly designed to be with who is perfectly designed for you. It may be more like signing up for a difficult course or going through a powerful initiation. It may be painful beyond words because the lessons brought into your life to teach you are hard ones. They are lessons you may not want to learn and have great resistance to.

On the other hand the soulmate may have even greater resistance to the lessons you have come to teach them. They may run fast and far and do everything in their power to avoid seeing the truth that is right in front of them. They may be someone unable to commit to the path of love because they learned at an early age that love hurts; so they protect their heart with many walls of defenses. It doesn’t matter how much love you give, you can’t break down their walls.

Soulmates may come into our life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. One thing we can be sure of. When we meet a soulmate we will never be the same again. They have the power to awaken something within us that we can’t put back to sleep, even if we want to. We may move on, leave them behind, be left behind and forced to go on without them, but they will forever be a part of us. In their wake we may have to learn the lessons of forgiveness, letting go and loving ourselves in ways we never realized were possible. We might have to learn how loving someone sometimes means letting them go. And even though we learn to let go, we never forget them or the impact they had on our lives.

The lover whom we have no intense chemistry with may be the most harmonious relationship of all but we will need to get beyond the desire for an intense chemical attraction. Intense romantic or sexual chemistry can create an equally intense and unstable emotional relationship. It can be intense and exciting in the beginning but sooner or later it will give way to something that completely knocks us off balance. The intensity is there for a reason.

So rather than searching for the one who will rock your world, it may be wise to search for someone who calms your emotional waters and puts you at ease. This is a far greater ingredient for a lasting love with someone you can count on to be there for you in the long run.

About Kaleah LaRoche

Kaleah LaRoche is the Founder of Narcissism Free and has been working to support others in their recovery of narcissistic abuse since 2006. She has authored four books on the topic of narcissistic abuse, recovery, and traversing the dark night of the soul. A Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Counselor since 1988, Kaleah brings her compassionate counseling skill and Hypnotherapy to assist in healing and recovery. Kaleah also has a popular podcast "Pandora's Box." You can go to to listen.