Ask Kaleah
Advice Column

The Dear Abby of Abusive Relationships Get Your Questions Answered on Relationships and Abuse

Due to an overwhelming load of questions I am no longer answering questions free of charge. You can go to my counseling page and either sign up for a full session or ask a question by email for a small fee. If you are a woman you can sign up for my private forum where I answer questions for members.

Ask Kaleah

Have Children with a Narcissist?

Q. I have three young children and we rotate every 3rd day. And of course with their young age it is the inevitable there is alot of communication that has to take place. I know you push the "no contact" but I can not do that. What is your advice for me? I have cut the energy cord so I don't feel the fear and intimidation that I used to when he picked up the kids. But he is always trying to battle with somthing ie. times to pick kids up, money etc... I also have this nagging feeling he will get very bored of trying to parent 3 toddlers and I was wondering if you knew if an "N" discards or bores of his kids just as he did me. I think I am bracing myself to parent full time as soon as his new life picks up.

A. I only recommend No contact for those who don't have to deal with a narcissist on a regular basis and I recommend limited contact for people like you who have children or are children of a narcissist.

I thought I had written an article on this one, but can't find it so I will post this reply on my "ask Kaleah page". The rules of engagement with a narcissist is "don't engage!" This is different than "no contact." Although narcissist don't respect boundaries you must still set and enforce them for yourself.

Boundaries are rules you set and enforce for yourself. Example: 1) We discuss only what pertains to the arrangements for dropping off and picking up the children. 2) I will not tolerate any abusive behavior towards me. 3) You must show up to pick up the children when you say you are going to. If you don't we may not be here. 4) You must drop off the children when you say you will (within a reasonable amount of time), if you don't I will contact the police.

If you find that he purposefully breaks the rules that you have established you can find a third party who would be willing to mediate the pick-ups and drop-offs, such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle or good friend. The narcissist may be a lot less likely to play games with a mediator.

Often, narcissists will stay involved in their children's lives only to make yours miserable. But in many cases they truly love their children to the best of their ability and want to have a relationship with them. The children are an extension of them and they may feel the kids reflect positiviely on them and lend credibility to their lives. They may even treat the children well if they are well behaved. So, really it depends on the individual. I have seen it all!

If the narcissist in your life has a new significant other, you have to get support in emotionally detaching, never asking the children about her/him, or anyone else for that matter. It may be a huge challenge to let your children go with the new source, however if you look at it another way, it could be helpful. Realize that the new source is just a woman like you who doesn't know what she is getting into. She is misinformed about you and the situation and is acting from ignorance, as you once did. She may be a positive and calming force in your children's life, especially if the behavior of your ex is controlling and demeaning. She may provide the only nurturing and comfort they get while with your ex. Although it is easy for us to want to go into jealousy and resentment, it is actually much more comforting to see her as an ally. She doesn't have to know this! She will likely view you the way he does, because she has been misinformed. You can't blame her for this. She won't likely take it out on the children but want to be liked and accepted by the children so she will do the best she can by them. If you are pleasant and friendly she will be confused about what she sees versus what she hears and maybe even begin to question who you really are. On the other hand if you behave irrationally around her, it will only serve to justify what he has told her about you. So do your absolute best to detach from your emotions during the exchange and share them with people you can trust who truly support you.

Although it is impossible to cut off contact when you have children, you can certainly limit it. You will have to surround yourself with plenty of support so as not to allow your emotions to engage with the narcissist when you must have contact. You also must learn to ignore his subtle messages and put downs. It is not about you, it is about the narcissism. It is his way of feeling in control. You have nothing to proove to him anymore. You gave your best and you gave your all and found the relationship to be impossible. You did all you could and you can do no more. Now its time to take care of yourself and be there for your children. They need your influence.

You will likely want to go through the psychic chord cutting process on a regular basis until you are feeling stronger. And do get support!

Kaleah

Worshipping False Idols

Q. As a minister, could you address the subject of idolatry and the part it plays in being a N's victim? Let me explain what I mean. I'm really not talking about the N's self-idolatry, his worship of him and his reflection. That's obvious enough. He's a "false god" and a cult unto himself! No, it's how he projects that idolatry onto us -- at least at
the beginning of the relationship -- and why we buy into it. At the beginning, we are idealized as the perfect, superior love object (and
only perfection is good enough for a N). For a brief, shining moment,
we are idolized. We are goddesses and he is adoring us. It's like he
gives us a taste of his drug of choice: adoration. The thing is -- we
like it! Otherwise, why would we go along with it? It feels good to
us. What I want to know is: What is going on with us, particularly
from the spiritual perspective, that we buy into the "worship of false
gods," to use a religious term? I know that when we allow ourselves to
be victimized, we're lacking in true self esteem or else we'd never
buy into this fantasy, but that's more of the psychological spin on
it. I'm wondering about the spiritual. Can you address that?
Thanks.

A. Well you already did a brilliant job addressing this! Here is what I would add, from my perspective:

We are all operating from two realities, the conscious and the unconscious. Unfortunately, it is the unconscious reality, or the part we are not normally aware of that tends to run the show.

If we have an unconscious agenda that stems from an earlier childhood belief that we are not worthy, beautiful, lovable and so on...we tend to unconsciously go out into the world in search of validation. So who more perfect to validate us than the Narcissist?

Because, in a sense his false self connects with our false self and we are a perfect match. But...underneith the surface of our awareness there is a part of us that doesn't believe we are really "all that" and so, in a sense, we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it does!

So as I just wrote about this morning in my article "how focusing on the N. inhibits recovery" we tend to actually draw the N. into our lives on an unconscious level to mirror our true selves to us.

The really enlightening and empowering part of all this is we get to see our own responsibility in creating the world we are now so desperately trying to get out of.

For myself...my Dad died when I was just an infant and I had a stepfather who just didn't approve of me, no matter what I did. So my unconscious agenda was about getting daddy's approval. So when I met men who showered me with all this admiration and approval it was filling this unconscious need or in other words, righting the wrongs of my past. But the reality I created with the Narcissist was a reality that fed my unconscious need for admiration as much as it fed his. The truth for both of us was that underneith the surface of our conscious awareness was a little wounded child that felt flawed. This is why we can identify so much with the N's wounded child and want to make it all better for him. But who we really need to be making it all better for is OURSELVES!

What I discovered in my own recovery is that I had to validate that little wounded child part of myself and STOP relying on outsiders to do this for me. Then I wasn't such a target for narcissistic admiration.

Narcissistic Idolatry puts us up on a pedestal in the beginning because the N. projects his own Godlike status upon us. But BEWARE of pedestals! One cannot live her life upon a pedestal without falling a hard fall. Not only will the N. project his Godlike perfection upon us in the beginning, he will also project his unconscious demons upon us as the true substance of the relationship begins to surface. When we are upon his pedestal we are loving life! When we fall, we are hating life. And look at all the power we have given him?

Our true recovery comes in healing our own inner wounded child and learning to validate ourselves to a point where we no longer get excited by praise or deflated by criticism. Life will always offer us both. Try writing a book! It was the ultimate test for me since I received love letters and hate letters from the very same book. So, obviously I didn't change at all. It was how my book reflected off the various readers. So I had to learn not to get all full of myself for the praise or down on myself for the criticism. I had to learn to be an outside observer of my inner reality and say "oh wasn't that sweet" or "isn't that person hurting deeply inside and needing someone to vent on?"

I believe this self-discovery is the path we are all on right now.

Does that answer your question?

Kaleah

Should I Contact Him After All This Time?

Q. I still cannot stop thinking of him. Things, people, places remind me of him. What do I do?

I Hate this! I have worked on myself now for 1yr & 7months, and I still want to talk to him. I need help I guess. It seems so unfinished. I have had no realtionship with anyone. I stay alone, can't get close to anyone. Have friends but thats it! There are times when I feel this is all my life will be. I want to Contact him, after all this time. Should I? there are signs that I should. I 'm so confused.

A. It took me three years to get past my first relationship with a narcissist.  But once I got past it there was no going back.  You just need to continue to work on yourself and move forward.  Don't go back because you will find yourself in the same place and having to start over. 

Congratulate yourself for the time that you have put between yourself and this destructive relationship.  Although you may not feel you have your life back yet, you are in the process so trust that process.  Also, you say you have friends.  So you are not alone and friends are very valuable at times like these.  Spend time with your friends and find ways to get out and develop new friendships.

Contacting him will only set you back and I would not trust what you call "signs" that tell you, you should.  Narcissism is cloaked in deception.  You have find closure within yourself.  You won't find it with him.  Look at your own positive qualities and what is good about your life and focus on this.

Must We Forgive Him?

Is He a Jerk or Is He Sick?

Q. How do know the difference between a narcissistic and a plain A-hole. Is he a jerk or is he sick. And after all you have read, why am I the one depressed and he's doing just wonderfully?

How do I stop caring about his approval. I honestly want him to call me to try to get me back but only so I can tell him to f*** off, is that horrible? As far as he is concerned I am doing great because that is what I have made him believe, because I do not want him to know how misarable he has made me. I feel immoral for considering to move on with my life while I'm still legally married, and he knows how I feel about my morals and I think he is using that to keep controlling me. Please help me.

I do know that I don't want him back, but I want him to want me. Why do I need his approval so bad? Any insight would help
Thank you!

A. In my experience Narcissists are A-holes! No question about it! I wouldn't waste my energy trying to figure it out. From what you have disclosed in your letter to me I would say he most definitely has N. Characteristics, but I don't have the power to diagnose. And...it just doesn't matter. The question we really need to be asking ourselves is what do we want with someone who treats us so poorly?

You hit the nail on the head when you said you want his approval. There is probably a part of you, your "inner child" that never received the approval she needed and now is trying to get her needs met from someone outside of herself who clearly isn't capable of doing so. It is a little game we often play with ourselves. We didn't get Daddy's attention or approval so somehow we developed this deep rooted feeling that we were not worthy and if only Daddy would approve of us, we would feel worthy. So we go through life looking for surrogate Daddy's, these people completely incapable of validating us, and we spend our life energy trying to get their validation. It is such a dead end course.

Instead we need to be going deep within our own psyche to understand that little child within and learn to give her the attention and approval she seeks. It needs to be enough that we tell ourselves we are good, kind, loving, beautiful, and worthy and not accept anyone into our lives who do not treat us as the beautiful people we are. It is up to us to screen the people who get to be a part of our lives. He is the one who is unworthy of you! His treatment of you has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with who he is. So stop seeking approval from him and instead focus on validating yourself.

As far as your issue of being legally married to him. I would take the steps necessary to end that marriage and then you truly are getting on with your life.

How can you distinguish between bipolar disorder and narcissism?

Q. How can you distinguish between bipolar disorder and narcissism? My husband claims he is bipolar (someone dropped that word around him) and I believe that he is narcissistic. Can he be both?

A. Narcissism is a personality disorder and bi-polar is a chemical imbalance that can be controlled with medication. However people with bi-polar can easily have very narcissistic traits. Your husband can easily be both, which is common.

I don't think it is as important to define the disorder as to define the treatment you are experiencing. If he is displaying narcissistic behavior that is destructive to you, then you have to take action to take care of yourself, regardless of what he says his problem is. I was with someone who was diagnosed as bi-polar who displayed narcissistic characteristics and even when he was on medication he was very difficult to live with. A diagnosis, of any kind, is not a license to abuse.

Can an Inverted Narcissist Get Better?

Q. My mother was a narcissist and every relationship I have been in is with narcissists. I have been doing research and I am an inverted narcissist. I fit the entire criteria! Its extremely terrifying for me as I feel empty without a narcissist in my life but crazy with one. I just want to be and feel healthy, whatever that feeling is. Can I feel? Will I every really feel like normal people. I have always been different, shy, closed off, indifferent, isolated, alone, used. Is it easier for the inverted type to get better?

A. I don't see inverted narcissism as being much different than co-dependency. A co-dependent is dependent on someone with a problem such as alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict, workaholic or perhaps someone who is mentally ill or personality disordered such as a narcissist. If you see yourself as an inverted narcissist it only means that narcissism is your drug of choice, or the type of disfunction that you migrate towards because it is familiar. Like any co-dependent you can change the way you relate to others by focusing on your relationship with yourself. You can read more about this in my article "Are You An Inverted Narcissist?"

Why Can't I Move On?

Q. Why I am still thinking about him so much? Does he still have some kind of connection to me forever? I want so badly to move on with someone new. I Wonder! I have made it this far. Is there something wrong with me ? Maybe your experience with this could help, Why do I still Miss Him ?

A. I know we often feel there is something wrong with us and to be honest, I can't answer that question for anyone. Feeling like there is something inherently wrong with us is called "Shame." We are often dealing with core issues of shame that have to do with never feeling good enough or feeling that we are bad in some way. A relationship with a narcissist will normally trigger those feelings of shame within us thus provoking our wounded inner child.

So although the narcissistic behavior of our partner can be very cruel and abusive, we continue to engage in the relationship often in an unconscious attempt to get approval or acceptance from the N.. The N. could very well represent someone from our past who we need approval from and never received it. We often continue to pine away for the attention and approval of the N. long after the relationship is over because there is something deeply unresolved within us.

The solution is to do everything within your power to stop focusing on the N. and bring your focus back to yourself. You have to give yourself the approval, attention, love and acceptance that you need. You can't look outside yourself in the N. relationship or any other relationship to get your needs met. The power you seek comes from within you and this is where you need to focus.

The N. simply opened a very big can of worms within you; a Pandora's box. This can be a gift if you use it right. Narcissistic abuse can be a catalyst for change.

Why do you still miss him? I don't believe you miss who he really is. You miss the dream, the illusion and the parts of yourself that you feel you lost in the relationship. You also likely are looking at him to somehow heal you and restore you back to a place where you can feel good again, like you did in the beginning. But he can't do that for you. You have to do it for yourself.

Is He Content?

Q. In your book " Web of Illusion", towards the end you say that your ex-boyfriend believed he was entitled to your house, and a woman pining away for him etc. does that mean he is perceived to be a good man and content with all that he has, and has made it because he felt entitled to it? C.M.

A. If you are asking, does he perceive himself to be a good man...Yes, I believe he does. What others perceive, I don't know. Is he content with what he has? It is really hard to say. I'm sure he believes he deserves what he has but I would imagine it is never enough. I imagine he will strive for more and more and do what is necessary to get it, even if it means using people.

Now the real question is do I care? At first I was very angry and upset about the whole thing, as we all are at the beginning, but I came to realize that what is truly mine, by divine right, will come to me and nothing is truly lost in the mind of God. I do believe in the "Law of Karma" or otherwise known as "The Law of Cause and Effect." This means what we do to others will come back to us ten fold, whether it be good or bad. I'm not wasting my energy wondering whether he is content or happy. My focus needs to be on my own happiness.

K.