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| Love Junkies and Heroin Addicts Continued...  Initially the realization was that it was him not me. Yet this would be like saying the problem is the heroin not the addict. The heroin is just a drug and it goes into the users bloodstream and gains hold of his psyche. But heroin works pretty much the same regardless of the user. The outcome is pretty much the same too. The clinics are filled with addicts desperately seeking to break free of the clutches of this drug that has such power over them. It is the greatest love/hate relationship! The user loves the highs and hates the lows. He lives for the highs, giving up everything including his dignity and self-respect.
The truth about heroin addiction is, if the user didn’t shoot heroin he wouldn’t have the problem. But once he shoots it and it gets into his bloodstream he craves that high and it becomes the answer to all of his problems. He wants it! He needs it! He has to have it! Nothing else will satisfy him! He will let everything else fall by the wayside just to have a moment of bliss provided by this powerful opiate. Addiction to the narcissist I realized it was no different. I was addicted to the highs and ignored the lows. I ignored all those times I felt so worthless as if I didn’t matter to him at all and I embraced those times where he showered me with attention and affection, even if those times would be few and far between. I was like a bird in the winter searching desperately for crumbs that would keep me alive. He was the one in power because he was the one who could either dole out the crumbs or withhold them. When I found out about narcissism it didn’t solve my problems. It wasn’t a magical solution anymore than a doctor telling the heroin addict that his drug of choice is addictive and destructive. O.K. yes I know I am caught up in the addictive Web of illusion produced by the narcissistic reality, but how do I get out? Although educating myself was helpful and necessary my problem required much more than education alone. Identifying the problem was only the first step and it was a big one because it actually penetrates the illusion that there ever really was a Mr. Perfect. Suddenly I could see that he was every bit as flawed as I was; only he had no clue. He was off dancing in the sunset with someone else who also didn’t have a clue while I was the one who was feeling everything. I was feeling everything he never allowed himself to feel. That is why my life was so chaotic with him. He suppressed his emotion and I expressed it. The expression of negative emotion was taboo in his world. It was a sign of weakness, and narcissistic personalities despise weakness in themselves and others. The more I expressed this negative emotion the more pathetic I was to him. I slowly lost my status in his eyes of being a strong, capable being. Instead I was a weak, pathetic, emotional basket case. This is narcissistic abuse in a nutshell. The narcissist denies his own negative feelings and projects them onto the person closest to him and then he attacks that person for their weakness. This way he gets to express those negative emotions through his surrogate outlet without ever claiming them. Meanwhile the surrogate is not only getting hammered by these psychically transferred negative emotions but also the subtle attacks on their character by the narcissist. The process, over time, breaks down the psyche of the one who is doing the feeling work in the relationship. Ironically our very society praises strength and condemns weakness and we have learned to see negatively expressed emotions as weakness. We see tears, crying, sadness, and expression of pain in any way as a weakness. We see the expression of discontent or dissatisfaction as a weakness. We are supposed to be happy, content and accepting of all that comes our way and if anything bothers us we keep it to ourselves and don’t burden others with our selfish needs. Although this is the way most of our society has been conditioned it is highly unhealthy and dysfunctional. Suppressing our perceived negative emotions would be like suppressing the night and only allowing the day. The night is part of the day, the dark is part of the light. It is all necessary in the cycle of life, death and rebirth. Without the Winter there would be no Spring. As I sat coiled up in my darkest night, the dark night of the soul, I searched myself at the deepest levels. I knew that to make him all bad and myself all good was not the answer and would not bring me relief. My only path of salvation was to allow this dark journey and find the gifts that awaited me in the darkness.
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