Are All Narcissists Dark?

superheroI get a lot of emails from people and many really identify with the dark and evil energy around a narcissistic mate. Others feel that their life is chaotic and confusing as a result of being in relationship with someone who has strong narcissistic tendencies but don’t feel he is necessarily dark or evil.

I often hear those who don’t feel their narcissistic mate is evil, but rather just wounded, telling me how they believe the narcissistic person really does love them and really does care but some deeper wound prevents them from being open and vulnerable with them. Of course if one tends to be co-dependent then the belief that one is simply “wounded” might trigger the co-dependent need to fix or heal the partner which can have deeply painful results for the one attempting the healing.

If one is cut off from his true self, hiding from his feelings and the denying pain of the past, then he or she is really not capable of offering any kind of real love. The relationship will always likely be chaotic, confusing and somewhat empty as a result of a partner’s inability to face the issues.

Although most will agree that we all can have some narcissistic tendencies which stem from the ego and its desire to defend the illusions we are living under, the majority of us also have a strong loving and empathetic nature and would never intentionally want to hurt anybody. It is the true narcissist’s disconnection with that empathetic aspect of his nature that allows him to do the hurtful things he does without any concern for those he is hurting.

A narcissistic person is a destructive force in the world with its energy focused on breaking down, tearing apart and creating fear and separation rather than building and unifying. The antithesis of this is building or creating something positive in the world, truly making the world a better place for oneself and others.

It seems a lot of the confusion many good people experience is when there is a strong need to focus on their own needs and what is best for the self in order to get out of a controlling and abusive relationship. We can easily label our own selfishness as “bad” when we actually need to be selfish for our very survival. Our selfishness is not an act of ill will towards another. We may need to leave a relationship or draw some strong boundaries to protect ourselves from abuse but most of all we need to see how we are leaking our own life force energy to others and how we need to close off those channels so that we can preserve our strength for our own life. It doesn’t serve us to be drained and depleted so that others can feel stronger.

What I have truly noticed about the energy of darkness and light is that those aligned with the light are givers and those aligned with darkness are takers. What is given and taken, on the most part, is energy! So if it is your nature to give and you find that you give and you give and you give and you align with someone who takes and takes and takes, then sooner or later you will either completely deplete yourself of any life-force energy or you will be forced to stop giving to the taker and give instead to yourself. This is where the taker is most likely to draw to your attention how selfish you have become because you are not selflessly giving to him anymore. What a great manipulation!

It doesn’t matter if the taker is conscious of his taking or not. If he is a taker he is more or less an energy vampire. And narcissists are energy vampires. As well meaning as you might believe the narcissist in your life is, if he or she is a taker then your work is to stop giving your energy to that person. You can still be a giver but give first to yourself, then give where you are truly received and appreciated and also where you are fed. You have to fill your own cup before you can fill the cup of others.

Perhaps not all narcissistic people are of the dark side, but all highly narcissistic people create chaotic, confusing and crazy making circumstances that suck our energy dry. Whether or not they are aware of what they are doing doesn’t matter as much as it does that WE are aware of what they are doing.

Our objective is about how we change ourselves so that we are not affected by the craziness anymore. If you are a giver you need to own that about yourself and not allow anyone to lead you to believe otherwise. That would be a manipulation. So the more you know yourself and what your true goodness is, the less one has the power to manipulate you.

The greatest manipulation of the dark side is to get you to believe that you are a rotten person. If those operating in the dark get you to believe that you are rotten then you will invest your energy trying to prove your worthiness and goodness to them and thus giving more of your energy. But if you already know that you are good then there simply is nothing for you to prove.

If you are honest, kind hearted, compassionate, empathetic and giving then it is time to really own this about yourself! Own it! Know it! Be it! That is where your power lies.

About Kaleah LaRoche

Kaleah LaRoche is the Founder of Narcissism Free and has been working to support others in their recovery of narcissistic abuse since 2006. She has authored four books on the topic of narcissistic abuse, recovery, and traversing the dark night of the soul. A Clinical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Counselor since 1988, Kaleah brings her compassionate counseling skill and Hypnotherapy to assist in healing and recovery. Kaleah also has a popular podcast "Pandora's Box." You can go to to listen.